Saturday, 29 September 2012

Wedded Joy Part Two

Here's a wedding-themed picture by our friend AP Sheep who made the metal dress!! He is brilliant.

In an unprecedented move, I'm blogging very soon after my last post.  I feel like a proper blogger, but obviously, never in the league of Pandora Blake .  I have hopes that one day I'll grow up and blog like her.  By the way, thank you so much to everyone who posted comments to my last post (especially Michael - that's a very interesting subject that you brought up, I'd like to blog about it some time).

Anyway, the reason I'm blogging is because everything was too darned exciting to not talk about over the last couple of weeks for me.  So I'm writing it all down (actually, I wrote this on honeymoon, so I'm just copy typing now, in the manner of a sexy 1950's secretary.  Except that I'm wearing a massive orange polar fleece and drinking hot Ribena.)

Right, here's the actual post. It's about my honeymoon with the BDM, who is now the HDM.  I wanted to drop the 'M' for master to give him the same initials as 'High Definition', but he wouldn't let me. Oh well.

'This is what happened after we got married;-

We went back to work for a couple of days.  I know this sounds odd, but we're in the middle of creating some new projects as well as improving our work on RE so we needed the time.  A lovely commentary ran through my head as I worked;-  'I'm just editing a video for my husband's website.'  'Mrs HDM is stopping work for a cup of tea with her husband.'  Awfully grandiose of me, but lovely one-off fun.

We held our reception on the Sunday three days after our wedding.  And it was really rather a kinky affair, at least according to the guest list.  A number of the people I think of as the British spanking aristocracy came (less than we'd have liked due to the small space we loved so much we chose it for the party) and the first one we saw that day was the tremendous Lucy the Matron of Northern Spanking along with her brilliant husband Paul Kennedy and lovely child.  Lucy had kindly volunteered to do my hair, and as is her multi-skilled way, she did a beautiful job of making me look all vintage-y and elegant.

Of the lovely kinkies we were able to fit onto the guest list were Amy Hunter of Northern Spanking fame, Stephen Lewis (also of Northern Spanking), my beloved friend Katy Cee from Restrained Elegance, brilliant Temptress Kate, RE's publicist, model and location photographer, RE photographer Steve and his lovely wife, RE model Sammie B, the wonderful Leigh and Zena from gorgeous boudoir photography service Mighty Aphrodite and my favourite non-gay best friend Ben Davies

In retrospective, it seems silly of me but before our wedding party I'd been a bit worried about how our vanilla and kinky guests would all get on.  Of course, the HDM and I had family members in attendance, and while they all know exactly what we do for a living, I wondered whether anyone would end up in awkward conversations.  But midway through the party, I looked round and saw Stephen Lewis and Paul Kennedy talking to my sister and her family, Lucy-the-Matron sitting with one of the HDM's university friends, and Temptress Kate and Katy Cee deep in conversation with my super-cool fashion writer friend and her husband.  I felt so happy, and so proud of our friends, the vanilla ones who are liberal enough to cope with people making unconventional career choices and having varied sexual identities, and the kinky friends who were able to understand that you don't need to dress in PVC and wield canes around at all times. All this seems very obvious now, but it was a lovely discovery nevertheless.

Since the HDM's not over-keen on public speaking, having possibly burnt out from his previous life as a lecturer, we decided the main speech would be my responsibility.  I'd been worried about it, but on the advice of a friend I decided to be honest rather than trying to be clever, so I mostly just thanked people.  My (our!) niece who'd decorated our wedding cake with a cascade of autumn leaves, Lucy for my lovely hair, the HDM's parents' for bringing up to have the confidence to abandon one career in favour of being a bondage photographer.  And Hywel himself, for everything, really.

Then we struggled home under the weight of all the cookbooks we'd asked for as wedding presents, stumbled to bed, and were awoken at 3.45am in order to go off on honeymoon.

I'd kept my beautiful wedding hair-style overnight - since it was a gift from Lucy, destroying it prematurely felt vile and wrong.  It wasn't until we were sitting in a lakeside cafe in Italy that afternoon that I realised the silver star-shaped hair ornament was still in my hair too.  It felt like a good omen or something (I've become very sentimental temporarily, do forgive me).

Our honeymoon (on Lake Maggiore - its beautiful in the extreme) has been mainly spent sleeping, eating enormous ice-creams, going on cable-cars, sharing pasta dishes (Like in Lady and the Tramp) and attempting to speak Italian.  And of course, there's been plenty of time for all sorts of splendid kinkiness.

Now we're about to go home again (I'm writing this from our hotel's lounge while Hywel sleeps next door) and launch into our lives as a married bondage producer couple.  I expect it'll be similar to before in lots of ways - I find myself reaching for something profound to say, but can come up with nothing.  Except that, as always, when I think about my life with Hywel, the chances we have to engage in activities we both thought we'd never get to do, and the way we don't have to sacrifice 'normal' romantic love in order to do so; I want to send a postcard back in time and tell my younger self that in 2012 everything turned out ok for me.'

We're back home now (sorry for the jumping around in time through this blogpost) and we just went out and shot a two part photo-set for Restrained Elegance as a thank you to our Members for joining the site, which allowed us to meet in the first place.  The first part of the set is in my wedding dress, the second part is at home without it on :)  Here's a sample shot - we're editing the second half now and it'll be live on Restrained Elegance tomorrow!

Thanks to you all as always for visiting, I'm very happy and hoping things are well with you all too.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

You May Kiss The Bride!

Oh my goodness, I need to be a better writer than I am to tell you all the things I’m thinking and feeling today.  I’m writing this in the brief, 2 day gap between getting married to Hywel (the BDM is the HDM now) and holding our reception, which is a tea party for our family and closest friends.

Our wedding day was absolutely perfect for me (I don’t want to speak for Hywel, who I’m sure will blog about it himself, but he certainly seemed very happy too).  We just had our two witnesses there, since we really wanted the smallest wedding possible.  I’ve done a fair number of bridal shoots in my career as a model (and plenty of bridle ones, of course) and I didn’t want our wedding day to feel like a performance, or like a modelling job.  Hywel was in agreement, so we just had my lovely sister, and our wonderful friend Steve, who shoots for Restrained Elegance as well.

The wedding itself was extraordinarily lovely to me, but possibly a bit boring to read about so I’ll be brief.  I was barefoot at Hywel’s request (brilliant, I thought I’d be horrifically embarrassed but actually it felt perfectly natural), I wore a dress I’d made myself, and the vows were beautiful.  I cried a bit, but not in a horrific embarrassing manner, as far as I know.  Here’s a picture Steve took right after we signed the register. 

And once it was over, we headed to a gorgeous hotel that we eat at a lot but have never stayed in.  We’d booked a suite with a four poster bed and some fabulous, usefully shaped furniture in it.  And that’s all I have to say about that ;)

So now, I’m Mrs Phillips, and I’m stupidly, impossibly happy about it.  And it’s made me think back about how we first met, so I’m going to give you a brief history in pictures;-

Here’s a shot from our first set, at my first Restrained Elegance shoot.  I’d had to pester a bit in order to shoot for RE at all, and I was determined that Hywel would like me.  At the time, I’d only done a couple of bondage shoots, and had been modelling for less than a year; hence the schoolgirl hair and the minimal approach to makeup.  I was so sorry when the shoot was over (it had passed with me in a lather of excitement, trying not to show that the whole thing was hopelessly erotic for me) and so glad when Hywel re-booked me almost immediately...

After a year or so of working together, in which we got to know each other well enough for me to confess that I really was into BDSM (I don’t think it was a great surprise to Hywel) Hywel took me, Hannah, Sabrina and Temptress Kate to France for a week’s shoot.  The pleasure of modelling for Hywel every day for an extended period was absolute heaven for me; I remember rushing my hair and makeup dreadfully, in order to be the next model in line whenever Hywel was ready for one.  Consequently, he ended up with more sets of me than anyone else, which was a bad business move for me, since in theory it meant that he wouldn’t have to re-book me for ages.  But I couldn’t help it, just as I couldn’t help fantasising about him coming to my bedroom to tie me up and spank me at night.  He didn’t, he behaved like a consummate professional.  But by now, he’d become my absolute favourite person to work with.

Later that year, Hywel booked me to work with Chanta Rose as the rigger.

Which was interesting in many ways.  Chanta is very experienced, both as a professional and as a lifestyle player.  And she’s totally comfortable with talking frankly about BDSM.  Which meant that the shoot with her made me feel more relaxed talking about my fantasies in front of other people.  I think this is what led to Hywel and me deciding to do a series called ‘Restrained Elegance Nights’ in which we explored the harder side of BDSM, which I’d not actually experienced, but was desperate to try.  We shot our ‘Long Term Bondage’ project as a result, followed by ‘Bondage Driving Test’ by which point I was struggling to keep our relationship fully professional - basically I’d begun to tell Hywel all my fantasies, and we’d play them out in front of the cameras as a way to justify what we were doing since we hadn’t negotiated an actual relationship yet.  As a result, parts of those videos make me pretty embarrassed - they’re still available to watch on Restrained Elegance but I’m uncomfortable watching something that exposes my feelings so clearly.

And then Hywel invited me to be the model for his first bondage photography tutorial.  I flew back from New York and took a taxi straight to his studio (my flight had been delayed) but once I got there, the lack of sleep made no difference whatsoever to my excitement.  Here’s a shot from a set that Merlin (who we met that day for the first time, and who’s since become a very valued member of the RE crew) directed;-

And which Steve, who we also met for the first time that day shot.  I’m afraid I behaved in a rather sluttish manner that day; being tied up and photographed by 4 people while Hywel told me what to do, stepped in to gag me, and generally took control of the whole thing, was very sexy for me indeed!

And finally, after at least 3 years of shooting together (and probably more, my maths is hideous) we made the decision to play together as well as work together.  This picture’s from the first time we shot together after we’d made that decision.

Hmmm, I don’t think my facial expression was put on for the camera.  I’m rather ashamed to say that our new arrangement made for some rather excessively sexual photo sets...

And after playing together for a few months, neither of us were happy with the parameters we’d set for ourselves, and we became a proper, real-life couple.  

And photosets of me from around that time seem to me to have a pervasive sense of happiness!

We moved out of the studio, and into a house we bought together...

And things got better and better.  Of course, our lives aren’t magically charmed, and we’re as effected by ill health, work stress, and all the real life problems as any other couple.  But I’m so happy with Hywel, and being married to him feels so perfectly right.  

And of course, being married won’t stop me also being Hywel’s slavegirl.  That’s too important to lose - we’re in the middle of working out what our new rules will be and we’ll be figuring it all out properly on honeymoon.  I’m very excited about that - the rule Hywel’s already put in place for the new married me is perfect :)

Here’s a picture to finish with, of the dress I made as a practice wedding dress earlier this year, just in time for our shoot in Scotland.  We’ll be shooting a set for Restrained Elegance in my real wedding dress as soon as we’re properly back at work.

So for now, thank you to our friends and supporters, who joined RE and made it possible for us to meet in the first place.  I’m sorry this wasn’t a very edgy post, I’m just full of happiness and wanted to talk about it.  Thank you for reading!

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

What Ho, Producer Head On

Good heavens, I am indeed alive.  I actually have proof of this, having done a million things in the past 3 weeks. I think I'll tell you about some of them now :)

First of all, oh my goodness, I scripted and directed a bastinado movie.  Bastinado is something I have an uneasy, love/hate type relationship with.  I love the BDM .  He loves bastinado.  I, therefore, have experienced lots of it, with various implements.  Foot caning works beautifully for me, hooray, but I absolutely hate, hate, hate anything with leather straps involved. The BDM loves leather strap bastinado beyond all other things as a result.  BDSM's awfully complicated, isn't it?

So writing and directing my own bastinado movie seemed like a good opportunity for me to explore my feelings for and tolerance of bastinado.  With me as the lead actress, it was inevitable that I'd have to.  (I know this is horrifically Kevin Costner-esque but I don't know any other models who're keen to try foot torture). I hoped that, by writing a story that appealed to me, I'd give myself the best possible chance of making it through the painful scenes.

So that's what I did.  I've been exploring the 'visiting professional disciplinarian' idea in fantasy and play over the last couple of years and it appeals to me massively; I love the idea of an incredibly detached, disinterested professional being in charge of administering carefully calculated punishments, so that's the role I wrote for the BDM (I think it suits his scientific nature, so I had a good excuse for it).  His character appealed to me enough to help me through the most painful bits of the movie.

I'm not clever enough to be able to capture the peculiarly cumulative, inescapable fire-y pain of bastinado in words alone, but in my experience it can be far, far more all-encompassingly painful than any kind of spanking I've ever experienced.  If the potential success of a BDSM movie could be measured in the tears of pain shed during the shoot process, then we might have a blockbuster on our hands.

Here is a teaser trailer;-


(For a lovely big version, go directly here)

We shot a final scene today, and I'll be editing the whole thing myself over the next few weeks.  I've been editing videos for Restrained Elegance for the last 6 months, but a feature-length movie will be a fab new challenge.  It's particularly exciting because the BDM has upgraded all his equipment, so the whole project was shot on a super new camera called a RED which frankly I don't understand awfully well.  Except that;

a) its really easy to use, so I can operate it and get the shots I had in my head without feeling all sweaty and asthmatic.

b) it makes everything look absolutely beautiful, even suburbia in the rain.

c) it has a touch screen so you can pretend it's a phone.

Lordy, that was a lot of talk about only one of the things I was planning to talk about.  So I'll finish (I'm baking our wedding cake at the same time as blogging, and I don't want to burn it) by talking about last week, when Restrained Elegance kindly took me on a week-long location trip to a lovely (except for the strangely ill-equipped kitchen) old house in the English West Country.  And here are some frame grabs from the movie we started making there.

 The girls.  From left to right - Hannah, Sophia, Scarlot, and meeeeeeeeee.

 Scarlot is failing her slave-position test, and it's my job to tell Mistress Kate...

Here I am, considering whether I can face cleaning a customer's shoes without the use of my hands.

It's  all about slave training; I'm the 'resident slave' who belongs to the auction house, and it's my job to get the new girls ready for the sale.  We were joined by the luminous Sophia Smith, delicious Hannah Claydon, patrician Anita de Bauch, and ingenuous Scarlot Rose, who got the lead role of the uncertain newcomer into the hedonistic auction-house world... Hooray, Temptress Kate appeared too, as the icy-cool head slave-trainer!

It was a splendid week (punctuated by trying to prepare food with knives that'd probably be blunt enough to be sold at the Early Learning Centre ) and I've got high hopes that the videos we shot will be as fun to watch as they were to make.

Thanks as always for reading, and I'll update again within the next few weeks with news of various extra-fun projects I'm working on.

All the best,


PS Re-reading this post, I discover that I've forgotten how to write anything that makes sense.  And how did I end up writing such lonnnnnnnnnng sentences? I need some sort of strict tutor to help me with my grammar.  Mmmmmmmmmm.


Monday, 9 April 2012

Not Dead, Just Busy

'Ariel' from The Tempest. Courtesy of William Shakespeare, Dangerpics and Evie Wolfe

Hello everyone! I'm sorry that this'll very likely be a horrible dull post, because I'm freakily busy and my head is a bit buzzy and confused. So I'm probably going to write nonsense. But I didn't want to abandon my blog for too criminally long a period of time after everyone's lovely kind comments about being engaged to the BDM. So I'm writing to tell you that I'm alive, still being tied up and spanked a great deal, and enjoying making wedding dress prototypes.

I think I'm going to write about something that concerns me quite often. As my profile as a fetish model has grown (which I'm not complaining about in itself, nope, I'm very happy, thank you) and I've become busier and busier as a result, I frequently feel as though I'm almost drowning in busy-ness. I know this isn't unique to me, I think lots of people in the busiest period of their careers probably feel similar. But I do feel guilty that there are lots of things (both personal and work related) that I simply don't have time to do. Here's a list of the work-related ones (I'll never stop loving lists).

1) Link exchanges. Oh God. I know these are probably important, but it's too, too slow and boring...
2) Writing about recent shoots. Actually, I'd love to be able to write about pretty much every fetish shoot I have, since almost all of them are great experiences. And yet, I hardly ever have time, or by the time I do the shoot's so far in the past that it feels a bit mental. And I'm scared of insulting all the producers I haven't written about. So I'm abysmal at this.
3) Buying outfits. That really would be a lot of fun; searching eBay for fun clothes to wear at shoots is something I love doing, but I hardly ever have time. Fortunately for me, I've got a good wardrobe built up already and I do grab new clothes whenever I'm going through airports or have a few hours free between shoots, but I'd love to devote more time to it.
4) Writing scripts. I already do write scripts, most often for Restrained Elegance and for Firm Hand Spanking because both companies have a budget to pay for script-writing time. But when I started BDSM modelling, I used to contribute ideas and fantasies to many shoots during the pre-shoot process. I'd love to be more helpful, but increasingly I have to answer requests like that by saying 'I'll give you ideas on the day, honestly; but I don't have time to write anything now'. Which is absolutely true, but I don't feel great about it.
5) Doing interviews. I get asked for these a lot, and I've got nowhere near enough time to fulfill every request. I tend to choose to do them for people I have an existing relationship with, or people who've put the most effort into the questions they want me to answer. But ideally, I'd do every interview I was offered; it'd feel more polite and it's always nice to be asked.
6) Probably most importantly; socialising with the lovely people I've met through working in this industry. I count some of them amongst my closest friends, but it's rare to see them unless we're doing something work related. And it makes me feel very sad sometimes, that meeting the super, kinky people I now know as a result of my job is one of the best things that's come from being a BDSM model; but it seems to have come at the cost of not actually having time to see any of them regularly.
7) Oh GOD; emails. I feel like I'm drowning in them. And somehow Twitter, Facebook et al seem to have turned into extra inboxes for me. I dream about them.

At home, it's also tricky; the BDM is super, and I'm so happy to be marrying him. I just wish I saw more of him, and I wish that I could promise him I'll be home a lot more once we're married. I'm certainly trying; I'm cutting back on long trips abroad and I'm taking a day every couple of weeks to do admin so I don't have to catch up with it on on days off cos that feels rude and intolerable. Gosh, but wouldn't it be lovely to be an aristocrat or something? I feel as though I could fill a whole lifetime doing nice things with the BDM without getting anywhere near bored enough to need another form of entertainment. I'm sure lots of people would feel the same; when did we all start working so bloody hard, I wonder?

At present, these seem to be the things I do most;-

1) Answer emails. And many of them are to lovely people, discussing tremendously fun projects, but golly, it's hard work staying anywhere near up-to-date if you also want to get enough sleep.
2) Pack suitcases. Every job requires different clothing, and hours a week of my time are spent unpacking, laundering and packing again. I'm wondering about instituting a personal policy of permanent nudity, and not bringing any clothes to any of my shoots at all.
3) Drive. Actually, I love driving, which is a blessing. And audiobooks save my sanity. But it turns 8 hour shoot days into 14 hour marathons, quite often.
4) Book hotels. Like, every day. LOL, I'm sick of it, do any fetish models have managers, I wonder?

Ohhhhh Lordy, I sound like such a victim. I do apologise; bleating about relative success is a ridiculous thing to do and I do love my job. But finding the energy to do all the things associated with shooting is hard at the moment. And as a result, a lot of my fantasies are pet girl related. Very little responsibility sounds like just the thing.

Happy Easter everyone, am hoping that you're a bit less stressy than me at present. I'm wondering about how to simplify my life a bit in order to achieve a clearer head :)

Monday, 2 January 2012

Grownupness in 2012

Happy New Year everyone, and thanks for your continued support of my blog. Throughout my life I've failed utterly at keeping a diary, and its only because people like you kindly visit and comment that I manage to stay interested in writing. Thank you for visiting!

In case this is your first visit, here is a very quick history of me, so you won't have to bore your way though previous postings.

I'm an English girl who trained originally as a ballet dancer, got a) too tall and b) a bit too injury-prone to continue and so trained in classical acting instead, at a drama school in London.

I'd had fantasies about being tied up, ill-treated and (still sort of hard to admit) spanked all my life, and didn't think anyone with similar interests existed. Then a poor Conservative MP in England was found dead in circumstances that suggested he'd been playing BDSM games which had gone wrong, and the teenage me thought 'Oh, bloody hell, there were maybe two of us, but now one of us is dead'.

So I went into good old denial, joined The Campaign Against Pornography and decided not to date anyone.

After drama school, I started working as an actress and was approached after a theatre show by a photographer who suggested I tried modelling. So I did, and loved it so much that I ended up doing far more modelling than acting.

Then I discovered that there was BDSM on the internet, and started being offered bondage photography bookings. I was very happy, realised I wasn't alone after all, and started having a splendid fun time.

One of the photographers I worked for was Hywel Phillips who ran a beautiful bondage site. Very gradually we became friends, and much later, we fell in love, moved in together and started running the site together too.

This Christmas was our third together in our house, and it was very lovely and peaceful. We opened our presents together, and my last one was from Hywel, a DVD of The Princess Bride which I've loved with a great passion for years and years, partly because I hoped someone would love me properly one day and marry me too (although I also kind of wanted to be held prisoner in a castle, in all honesty). I was very happy that Hywel had remembered how much I liked it, and thought Christmas was generally being a great success.

Then Hywel proposed to me.

And I cried all over him, thought I'd maybe misunderstood, cried more and then remembered I was supposed to say something.

So I said 'yes' and we're going to get married later this year.

And I really am thoroughly happy and grateful that something so lovely could happen. I wish I could go back in time to my worried teenage self and show her this blog post, with the picture below, which Hywel took to celebrate our engagement (he didn't want to be in it, even though I really, really tried). I'd love to explain to teenage-me that there ARE sane people who like playing at BDSM with the people they love, and that you don't have to make a choice between liking BDSM and having conventional romance in your life too. I'd like her to know that being submissive doesn't mean that you can't choose to be with people who'll respect you. And while I'm time-travelling, I'd like to visit the teenage Hywel and reassure him that he'll one day find a girl who thinks bastinado sounds like a good idea.

I know there no magic, happy ever-afters, and I don't expect 2012 to suddenly turn into a year of magical unalloyed joy, but I'm very happy to think that I'll end this year married to a kind, clever, generous man who happens to be a dominant sadist (they seem to actually exist, teenage-me) and I hope there can be lots of romantic happiness for lots of other lovely people this year, kinky or not. If you're reading, I hope one of them will be you :)