Before I start, thank you everyone for your extremely kind and lovely comments, emails and Get Well cards. You've helped me through a really weird, painful and frustrating time, and while I'm not sure if I'm on the mend or not at the moment, I'm certainly on less drugs for now, and my head is clear enough to blog.
Righty -ho, here goes. I hope it's interesting, this is something I've been thinking about a lot over the last few weeks, and I'd love to know what other people think.
The reason I've started thinking about the subject of humiliation is because over the last few weeks, I've not been able to do so much of a lot of the things that make me feel ok about myself. Although I complain about being busy and rushing all over the place working, I really like being booked for lots of different jobs, and I'm proud of being able to do a good job for most of the different people I work for. I like being ok at housework, and I like it when I can cook for the BDM (which has never been all that often, TBH...) I'm quite proud of myself, I guess, for having enough energy to do a 4 hour drive, a day's work, another 4 hour drive and then get up the next day and do it all over again. And I suppose I was proud of being physically fairly fit.
Having had a couple of months in and out of hospital, resting a lot, and not being able to work full-time has been upsetting and humiliating.
Now there's no surprise that it's not been very sexy, but it did remind me how absolutely horrible the feeling of humiliation is. And I wondered to myself, how I could possibly have ever found humiliation hot?
Then I realised, I actually don't. It's just that the things that lots of other people would find humiliating don't happen to have the same effect on me. And this made me very interested.
I suppose being forced to take off your clothes in a roleplay might be awfully humiliating to some people, but I don't mind being naked, and taking off my clothes feels like a symbol of the exciting things that are likely to happen next. So I have to act humiliated, rather than actually feel it.
Shooting pet-girl training, as I have quite often (most recently for the fab www.petandponygirls.com ) is definitely potentially humiliating, but I find it really relaxing not to have to talk, and I think I'm quite good at being a ponygirl (ego, hello) so I don't find it humiliating at all.
Spanking (and other types of pain play) certainly doesn't humiliate me either. Not really (though I enjoy pretending, definitely). I suppose that I actually feel proud rather than humiliated if I'm feeling anything other than scared and turned on...
Corner-time, which is surely specifically designed for humiliation doesn't really have that effect on me either. I really like imagining that I feel terribly shamed, but I don't actually mind it. Exposure doesn't make me feel anything bad at all.
And so the list goes on in my head - all these things which look humiliating from the outside, but are in fact just hugely good fun for me. And I think they're fun because they're meant to be humiliating, but just happen not to be for me. Rather than happening to be fun in spite of the fact that some people would find them humiliating.
I wonder if that'd be the same for most other spanking models? I'm sort of guessing so, but some of us might actually genuinely be humiliated by those things, but maybe enjoy them because they are...
Then I thought about things which actually are humiliating for me. In the BDSM context, these include;-
1) Things which are presented to you as though they'll hurt, and then don't. Out of politeness, I tend to pretend that they're really painful anyway, but that does make me feel ridiculous, and therefore humiliated. I'd much rather have the implement that actually hurts than the silly pretend-y Ann Summers version.
2) As I've talked about before, lame story lines that don't match any character I could possibly hope to play successfully. Ohhhhh Lordy, that is genuinely, awfully humiliating.
3) Being tied up, and then given a task to do which is pretty much impossible. It makes me feel clumsy, uncoordinated and therefore humiliated.
4) Pretending to have orgasms. I simply won't. Humiliating, humiliating, humiliating. I won't have real ones on-screen either, but that's for a different reason.
5) Peephole bras and crotchless panties. I don't know why, but I'd feel hideously humiliated by having to wear them. Nude feels much better to me.
In a non-BDSM context, there's a longer list. I won't put everything down, because I think that might be dull. Some of the first that spring to mind are;-
1) Pronouncing words wrong. I quite often do this, having learned lots of words by reading rather than hearing them spoken. Ohhhhh the shame. I still blush if I think about examples from years ago.
2) Not being able to speak other European languages well. The shame! I'd feel much more like a proper international model if I could, but I'm rubbish. And the bits I can say, I don't dare in case I get the pronunciation wrong.
3) Realising I'm being boring.
And on that note, I'll jolly well stop.
Thanks for reading, if you've got this far!